Saturday Morning Pam-toons. Highlights from the 2020 High Dudgeon Olympics Chicken-Neck Pole Vaulting Event

High Dudgeon Olympics Chicken-Neck Pole Vaulting Event

Athletes stand beside a two meter pole marked by one millimetre increments. The athletes’ neck measurements are recorded on the pole by an official marker. Each athlete is then exposed to an individualized highly offensive opinion. The marker measures the athlete’s neck measurement at the moment of exposure. The athlete with the greatest degree of neck lengthening wins. Instances of eye bulging and tongue protrusion will be photographed for High Dudgeon Olympics promotional material.

On your left is the Chicken-Neck athlete to watch in 2021, Tisha “The Turtle” Von Ampersand.

In her first ever High Dudgeon Olympics (HDO) competition, Tisha’s neck stretched an impressive length from zero millimetres to 63 millimetres — just 2 millimetres shy of the HDO all-time record set by Mrs. Emma Lou Labile in 1951! This year all eyes will be on Tisha to see if she can beat that high neck mark.

Tisha says she keeps in shape for the HDO by patrolling her university’s halls for Implicit Bias incidents. This past year she made a filing-record of 116 incidents in a single week. When the Implicit Bias Incident Response Team (IBIRT) convened to have an intervention with Tisha for her excessive reporting, and threatened her with a restraining order, Tisha knew what she had to do. She formed her own student club, the Anti-IBIRT Corruption Unit (AB.I.C.U). Tisha, who graduated in 2016, will not rest until the university conducts a full investigation on its IBIRT, as well as on these IBIRT thugs, Campus Security.

Tisha’s dedication to rooting out implicit biases began in high school when she was teased for having no neck. Tisha tipped her chin up from her shoulders to prove she had a neck, which resulted in peals of cruel laughter from her peers. Rather than give her taunters the satisfaction of seeing her in tears, Tisha tipped her head back as far as she could and, nose in the air, marched passed them in a display of righteous indignation. Tisha’s high dudgeon responses gradually lengthened her neck.

Unfortunately, Tisha’s newly elongated neck can’t support the weight of her head. After every bout of high dudgeon her head collapses onto her shoulders only to rise again when provoked. Hence, “Tisha The Turtle”. And Tisha is provoked a lot. As Tisha’s taunters grew weary of her drama, Tisha sought other opportunities to launch into high dudgeon. She discovered an embarrassment of riches in social justice activism. Some are suspicious of Tisha’s motives, conjecturing that her commitment to social justice is driven by vanity as a way to show off her elegant neck. Tisha is deeply offended by this Look-ist suggestion.

On your right is Deirdre Tytanus, the ten year running Chicken-Neck Pole Vault champion until her defeat by Tisha Von Ampersand.

Deirdre made an unfortunate grimace during last year’s competition which caused her neck to contract 6 millimetres. However, the contraction caused her breasts to rise an astounding 65 millimetres! When HDO officials suggested Deirdre invest in a more supportive bra for the 2021 competition, Deirdre threatened to sue the officials for sexual harassment. But, after a consultation with her lawyer, and the other ten she subsequently retained and fired, Deirdre opted to drop the charges and retire.

Deirdre now fills her time patrolling the boundary between her front lawn and the sidewalk, watching for trespassing passersby. “This is private property!!!!” Deirdre warns mothers with children, dog walkers, and the mail carrier as she showcases the fine, sinewy tendons of her champion neck.

When Deirdre isn’t on border patrol, she spends her time correcting others on how to pronounce her name. “It’s DeiR -dre, DeiR-dre. Not DEE-dre.” Most often, Deirdre attempts to correct her ex-husband who calls five times a day to mispronounce her name and then hang up.

All the best Deirdre!

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1 reply

  1. This would be funny if it weren’t so true. Drama is so tiring.

    At the same time, where did principled social change activitsm go? Like from MLK’s Letter from the Birmingham Jail? There really is so much that needs to be done better, or done at all — but I guess that “purifying self” and treating your opponents with respect is too challenging for people with too much ego.


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