1) Someone-Said-Something-Wrong-on-the-Internet Typathon (Individual and Team events)
Individuals are logged onto a Facebook account with a continuous feed of posts, each followed by a comment thread. Athletes must respond to as many posts and corresponding comments as possible over a 24 hour period. Athletes are awarded ten points for each original response to a post and five points for each original response to a comment following that post. All responses must be a minimum of 50 characters long, and will be verified for length before points are awarded. The athlete who accrues the most points wins.
Note: Breaks are not permitted, and so each athlete is issued a diaper, 2 litres of water, and a protein bar.
In the team event, three athletes work in tandem on the same Facebook feed as described in the individual event. But, while each athlete may reply to the same post, multiple responses to the same comment following that post are strictly prohibited. A multiple-response offence will disqualify the team from the competition.
2) High Dudgeon Cardiac Endurance Competition
In our most popular event, athletes endure a gruelling 15 minute barrage by a professional offender, that is, someone trained in giving offense. A panel of eight international judges then rate each athlete’s body language on a scale of one to ten. Body language includes gestures such as fist clenching, arm waving, and head-smacking, as well as facial expressions such as grimacing, eye-rolling, and jaw-dropping. Vitals are then measured by an HD Olympics-certified doctor for authenticity. Additionally, 10 bonus points are awarded for fainting, and 100 bonus points for seizures. Those who experience cardiac events, i.e. heart attack or stroke, are awarded an automatic placement in the final round. Athletes who cannot be revived are awarded a posthumous honourable mention.
3) Freestyle Ranting
Athletes deliver ten minute freestyle rants on any topic. Rants are evaluated on a scale of one to ten by a panel of eight international judges. Rants are judged for individuality, creativity, audibility, and logical incoherence. Any athlete who mumbles for more than thirty consecutive seconds during the rant will be disqualified.
4) Synchronized Kvetching
Teams participating in this challenging choreographed event must kvetch for a total of seven minutes without pauses. Teams, comprised of three to six athletes, spend countless hours practicing. You might have noticed an HD Olympic team in your own office or university hallway.
5) Chicken-Neck Pole Vaulting
Athletes stand beside a two meter pole marked by one millimetre increments. The athletes’ neck measurements are recorded on the pole by an official marker. Each athlete is then exposed to an individualized highly offensive opinion. The marker measures the athlete’s neck measurement at the moment of exposure. The athlete with the greatest degree of neck lengthening wins. Instances of eye bulging and tongue protrusion will be photographed for High Dudgeon Olympics promotional material.
We are now taking applications for the 2022 High Dudgeon Olympics!