“Which is the more pitiful I cannot decide — being accused because of a friendship, or accusing a friend.”

Tacitus. The Annals: The Reigns of Tiberius, Claudius, and Nero. Oxford World’s Classics. Translated by J.C. Yardley. Introduction and notes by Anthony A. Barrett. Oxford University Press Inc.: New York. 2008. (Book Six, Chapter 6, p 182)

I’m reposting this quote because it describes a pernicious and perduring human behaviour that one is well-advised to pay close attention. In its most innocuous form, this behaviour manifests as childish ‘he did it’ kinds of shifts in blame. Or playground tussles where one kid denounces another so she can be part of the cool pack. And like much of child’s play, this behaviour is a rehearsal for its complementary adult sand-box behaviour.

Probably there’s an evolutionary account of how this behaviour contributes to group survival. Sure. But I won’t worry that hypothesis here. Rather I’ll worry you with whether you have noticed that accusatory behaviour of this nature is intensifying among adults and, if so, which mechanisms (e.g. institutions, propaganda) are being employed to solicit, encourage, distribute, and enforce these accusations?

Bear in mind the relationship here, ‘friendship’ and ‘friend’. I have in mind mechanisms such as political polarisation. But with a moments reckoning you can fill in more with current, and historical, examples. (e.g. TERF, alt-right, racist)

Of course there are circumstances where this accusatory behaviour is warranted. Maybe you have evidence that your friend DID steal your wallet. An act that might sever your friendship. Maybe your friend HAS joined a cult. But the caveat here is that this is also the very behaviour that gives teeth to Stalinism and Witch Hunts. These movements are parasitic on things we already do.

As with many things that are at times innocuous and even beneficial – e.g. medicine, bacteria – once it’s exceeded certain bounds damage is done. (In the other direction, a similar case can be made for apathy.) And, referencing the Tacitus quote, it’s the very nature of this kind of accusatory behaviour that makes this damage so hard to undo. Trying to correct the behaviour, even with the best of intentions, can be construed as another accusation.

It’s so very hard to live in a world where the people you believe have your back might rather stab you there … because the stakes have been raised so significantly for them to do so. The world, the material conditions, always shift. Currently, they’ve shifted to a state where excessive fear-driven accusatory behaviour associated with friendships appears wide-spread. One of the remedies, I think, is not to buy into the fear yourself. To remember that friends, colleagues, and acquaintances are more likely to stab you out of fear than in malice because of the conditions you all find yourselves in. I realise that this pat suggestion might elicit more fear than reassurance. And it might be dead wrong. But I’m okay with that. It’s helps free up a little cognitive space needed in these situations. Which hopefully follows with well-guided responses.

*Addendum January 10, 2024: Note that the like and comments following this updated post occurred well before I added commentary and do not necessarily represent the views of the people who liked and commented on the original post, the Tacitus quote. I just want to make sure that I represent their feedback honestly.

I will be extending the theme herein in upcoming posts, delving into my masters thesis research on the role of our nearest and dearest in the acquisition and maintenance of our beliefs, or the beliefs we espouse. I worry about the damage highly politicised and polarised environments have on this role and, as a consequence, our abilities to navigate these environments.

Categories: Thoughtlets